curious_jenn

So today started out sad. I woke up sad. I showered and got ready for work in silence. I opened the garage door with the little doorbell button and the sunlight streamed in the already-warming garage. It was like a movie. I squinted harder as the garage door lifted, revealing my vehicle parked outside. I walked to the Element, got in, and plugged in my ipod. I scrolled to the 'Depressing Mix' and let 'er rip. I listened to about 12 songs on the way to work, thinking about life, missing friends, how I yelled at Roscoe unecessarily and I feel bad; how I left my mayonaised knife lying on the counter instead of putting it in the sink, after making my lunch; how I left the wet clothes in the washer for the last 2 days; how I dreaded the traffic; how I needed to purchase an e-book to put on my ipod to listen to in traffic (maybe even a self-help one). I thought about how much I wished that I was back in Europe, walking through the flower market in the city center in Delft; remembering the scent of the flowers mixing with the fish market nearby, with raw herring and onions that people ate on the street. People would race by on their bicycles and then come to a sudden stop, purchase flowers and produce for pennies, and jump back on their bicycle and somehow drive around with bunches of flowers in their hand - skills. In general, I missed the freedom I had in Europe. Freedom to party, sleep late, do what I want, read, be lonely and write about it. That freedom, though, could never be recreated. If I lived back in Europe, I would have to get a job and pay taxes and not have time to explore and write and shop and walk and ride my bicycle for pleasure. I would never have the experience again. I shouldn't live so much in the past. But nothing exciting is going on in my life right now - and it is all I have to go on. Thad is terribly miserable. I don't know what to do. It is not my fault. Nor is it his. But, he is inconsolable at times, hopeless. I guess that's what I get for marrying a thinker; he analyzes things and dramatizes them, as I do. I feel hopeless alot, too, but in a different way. More like hopeless against myself. Not hopeless in my world. Anyway, I digress...my morning started shitty. My day at work was fine. I came home and cleaned house for a couple of hours and now I am on the internet, sleepy as hell and it is only 10:45 on a Friday night. Damn, M's right, I AM getting old!